Pass the Huggie…and I don’t mean Beer Koozie

You want to know ‘real’ in the life of a mom?  Here is real:  In the past 12 months I have peed in diapers 3 (THREE!!!) times.  I have averaged about 3 to 4 diapers each time, soooo, uh, that means I, a 29-year-old woman, have used about 11 diapers in the past year.

Awesome.

I have to thank Elizabeth Hasselback though, because she really paved the way for women to feel comfortable speaking about this issue.  A real trailblazer, that woman.  I will never forget when she told a story on The View about peeing in diapers, while pregnant, outside of their storage unit.  I thought to myself…well, I actually thought to myself, “She is gross.  Put that on the list of reasons why I am not a fan of hers.  Why would she not just find a bathroom?”  But then, it happened to me and I understood.

And now she is my Susan B. Anthony.

The first two times were at the beginning of this latest pregnancy.  Both times I was stuck in major, major high way traffic, with no way to pull off and with ‘pregnancy bladder,’ i.e. Oh My God, Not Only Is My Bladder Filled To The Brim With Urine, But I Am Pretty Sure A Baby Or A Placenta Or Something Unforgiving Is Sitting On Top Of It.  Somebody Please Help Me.  Both times took lots of crazy maneuvering and still ended up kind of a disaster.

Car trees are now my friends.

I’m partial to Morning Mist and Pink Grapefruit.

Everyone called that astronaut lady crazy for peeing in diapers in order to reach her lover more quickly?  We should have been calling her crazy impressive.  It’s just not as easy as you might imagine.  If, of course, you have ever imagined peeing in a diaper.  Let’s hope you haven’t.

So, this third (and final? Ehh, not likely) time of peeing in diapers was maybe the worst.  For one thing, I had to do it on my own block with the car double parked and the hazard lights blinking.  Just asking to create awkwardness with a neighbor if they decided to say hello at my window.  However, both babies were asleep, I had to pee so badly that I thought I was going to start vomiting (Damn you, Dunkin Donuts drive through! Damn you!), and I had nobody to help me get the two sleeping babies from the car to the house and then up three flights of stairs and was pretty certain that if I did not pee before I attempted this feat on my own I was going to leave a trail of pee along said path.

Second, I am clearly not pregnant anymore, so the social stigma level rises significantly.  Well, actually, I can’t really say ‘clearly,’ since unlike Ms. Klum, there is no way I could possibly do a Victoria’s Secret runway show right now.  (Okay, shut up, I know.  Unlike Ms. Klum there has never been a time where I could possibly do a Victoria’s Secret runway show, but I was just trying to make a point.)   You might walk by me on the street and think I’ve got a little one cooking in there.  But, anyway, I am not actually still pregnant.

And the kicker?  I totally ate a ton of asparagus for dinner tonight.

I am going to need to stop by the car wash tomorrow to double up on Pink Grapefruit car trees…

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7 Responses to Pass the Huggie…and I don’t mean Beer Koozie

  1. [...] make sure your significant other is home to help you take the sleeping angels upstairs so that this doesn’t [...]

  2. RH says:

    This is H I L A R I O U S. Can I up the ante a little bit? Shortly after I had my second child, my best friend from college got married. I was to be the matron of honor (hate that word matron, simply because I am married!) which always IS an honor…except that this time the honor was to be bestowed in another country. Ireland, to be specific. What to do with a nursing infant when you have to go abroad? Either pump obsessively from day one and then pump throughout your trip, switch to formula, or take the baby with you. We chose the third option. My family of four (plus my parents for backup) trekked to the Emerald Isle for the grand affair. My three month old even had a passport (complete with photo taken at six weeks). Now you have the scene, yes?

    Okay, so. You know how they say you can’t get your period while you’re nursing? Yeah, I didn’t think so, either, especially since this was my second child and my monthly visitor returned precisely 30 days after I stopped nursing my firstborn. Needless to say I was not prepared to have my period while traveling abroad.

    Surprise!

    No supplies.

    My husband graciously drove in our rented foreign car (on the wrong side of the road, entering a rotary from the opposite side) to the nearest store while I waited behind at the hotel with sleeping kids, but in the meantime, I needed to use SOMEthing….rustle around in the suitcases…JACKPOT! Newborn pampers. Rigged into something like an Always with Wings.

    Never underestimate the power of an extra diaper in an emergency…

  3. admin says:

    Oh no! That does up the ante! haha
    I totally had the same surprise this second time around. What the heck! I am still nursing constantly and he is only 3 months old…this should at least afford me the reward of not having my period, right?!?!? Oh well, at least it is a monthly reminder to be cautious until/unless we are ready for another one!

    Thanks for sharing…I am happy to know that I am not alone in the diaper usage category. :-)

  4. [...] not to pee your pants.  Or put on a diaper.  Whatever.) Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab! This entry was posted [...]

  5. Jaded Trust says:

    [...] am honest:  I believe this is evidence [...]

  6. Writing says:

    [...] haven’t peed in any diapers [...]

  7. [...] I actually had a similar issue (okay, only different in that I was in the driver’s seat, rather than a car seat) when we first moved to New York.  But Carlitos is not a girl and he didn’t have to endure what I had to go through. [...]

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