You want to know ‘real’ in the life of a mom? Here is real: In the past 12 months I have peed in diapers 3 (THREE!!!) times. I have averaged about 3 to 4 diapers each time, soooo, uh, that means I, a 29-year-old woman, have used about 11 diapers in the past year.
I have to thank Elizabeth Hasselback though, because she really paved the way for women to feel comfortable speaking about this issue. A real trailblazer, that woman. I will never forget when she told a story on The View about peeing in diapers, while pregnant, outside of their storage unit. I thought to myself…well, I actually thought to myself, “She is gross. Put that on the list of reasons why I am not a fan of hers. Why would she not just find a bathroom?” But then, it happened to me and I understood.
And now she is my Susan B. Anthony.
The first two times were at the beginning of this latest pregnancy. Both times I was stuck in major, major high way traffic, with no way to pull off and with ‘pregnancy bladder,’ i.e. Oh My God, Not Only Is My Bladder Filled To The Brim With Urine, But I Am Pretty Sure A Baby Or A Placenta Or Something Unforgiving Is Sitting On Top Of It. Somebody Please Help Me. Both times took lots of crazy maneuvering and still ended up kind of a disaster.
Car trees are now my friends.
I’m partial to Morning Mist and Pink Grapefruit.
Everyone called that astronaut lady crazy for peeing in diapers in order to reach her lover more quickly? We should have been calling her crazy impressive. It’s just not as easy as you might imagine. If, of course, you have ever imagined peeing in a diaper. Let’s hope you haven’t.
So, this third (and final? Ehh, not likely) time of peeing in diapers was maybe the worst. For one thing, I had to do it on my own block with the car double parked and the hazard lights blinking. Just asking to create awkwardness with a neighbor if they decided to say hello at my window. However, both babies were asleep, I had to pee so badly that I thought I was going to start vomiting (Damn you, Dunkin Donuts drive through! Damn you!), and I had nobody to help me get the two sleeping babies from the car to the house and then up three flights of stairs and was pretty certain that if I did not pee before I attempted this feat on my own I was going to leave a trail of pee along said path.
Second, I am clearly not pregnant anymore, so the social stigma level rises significantly. Well, actually, I can’t really say ‘clearly,’ since unlike Ms. Klum, there is no way I could possibly do a Victoria’s Secret runway show right now. (Okay, shut up, I know. Unlike Ms. Klum there has never been a time where I could possibly do a Victoria’s Secret runway show, but I was just trying to make a point.) You might walk by me on the street and think I’ve got a little one cooking in there. But, anyway, I am not actually still pregnant.
And the kicker? I totally ate a ton of asparagus for dinner tonight.
I am going to need to stop by the car wash tomorrow to double up on Pink Grapefruit car trees…