Superpower Uterus

Mommy, where are my rain boots?

On the bottom rung of your shoe cart.

They aren’t there.

{I walk back upstairs and take them off of the bottom rung of the shoe cart and hand them to Carlitos.}

…………………………………………….

Annie, we are out of milk.

No, we aren’t.  It’s on the top shelf in the fridge, behind the yogurt.

{Looks again} Nope.  Not there.

{I stop doing my hair and open the fridge and hand him the milk…which was on the top shelf, behind the yogurt.}

……………………………………

Mommy, my yellow sunglasses are missing.  Xavi must have stolen them and broken them!

Carlitos, try looking in your room.

I looked.  They’re gone.

Did you look on top of your dresser where I always put them?

Yes!  They aren’t there!  He took them! {Frustration rising.  One assumes this is due to the lack of ability to EVER find ANYTHING. }

{I stop scrolling through Pinterest and am forced back into parental reality.  Walk into bedroom and take ‘lost’ sunglasses from the top of the dresser and hand them to Carlitos.}

Oh.  Thanks, mommy!  Sorry, Xavi.  Here’s your favorite ball back.

Seriously, Carlitos?  You stole his ball?!

Well, he stole my sunglasses.  …I thought.

………………………….

I just took one of Xavi’s sheets off of his bed to make Carlitos’ bed.

Thanks for making his bed…but why didn’t you use any of the clean sheets we just brought back from the laundromat?

I couldn’t find them.

Where did you look?

In the piles of their pants and shirts ready to be put away.  Oh, and in the linen closet.

Linen closet was a good idea.  But, did you also see the giant stack of sheets and towels on the chair in our room?

Didn’t see them.

The only giant pile of folded sheets on the only chair in our tiny, apartment bedroom?

Didn’t think to look there.

……………………………………..

It is pretty constant.  This inability to see things.  Find things.  Notice things.

Well, constant for the males in my life.

The number of times a day I am asked where something is would amaze you.  The number of times I am able to tell the requesting male exactly where the ‘missing’ item is would impress you.  And the number of times they go and ‘look’ in the described location and inform me that ‘It isn’t there.’ would shock you.

That’s when I go and retrieve said item from the specific spot I had just suggested.

I have decided the only possible explanation is that a woman’s uterus has Superpower Search and Find powers that do not exist inside of the male body.  (Obviously.  They do not have uteri.  There’s your human biology lesson for the week.)

I am not going to lie: I am proud of my Super Power Uterus.

someecards.com - Oh, you can't find your wallet that I told you was in the top drawer of your dresser? Here, take my uterus and try again.

Just kind of wish it applied to something a little more self-serving…like dissolving cellulite or alerting me when my favorite Sauvignon Blanc goes on sale at our local wine shop.

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14 Responses to Superpower Uterus

  1. Zoë says:

    This isn’t a huge problem in our house with the man and boy, although I will tell you that C’s mini-uterus is also a powerful finding instrument. She’s very good at remembering where things are and then locating them again. There may be something to this!

  2. Carly says:

    Oh boy, I spend all day doing this too. I unfortunately am starting to respond less than pleasantly to my husband when he does this. I don’t need a third child!

  3. Zoe – There is DEFINITELY something to this! I was an anthropology major in undergrad…I’m practically a scientist.

  4. Carly – I hear ya. I am still working on speaking nicely to my husband and I DID compliment him/thank him for making the bed…but it was hard to not start gesturing to the giant pile of sheets with my eyes wide and my ‘Duh!!!’ face on.

  5. Grand Kate says:

    Just so you know – this uterine power does not diminish even when all the other useful functions of the uterus have vanished. Around our house I am called “The Finder.” Batting 1000! Even the simple reminder that “Not everything is always on the top/front of (dresser/pile/shelf)” doesn’t always produce results – even the things on top are invisible to what a friend calls “guy eyes.” Maybe because I only have one male asking me about lost objects that he has looked EVERYWHERE for (“NO! you don’t need to look there – I’ve been through that”), I actually get a kick out of it. It’s like he’s setting me up to just look good – time after time after time!!

  6. Grand Kate – To be honest, I am not sure whether I am happy or sad to know that this Super Power goes on until the end of our days. On the one hand, impressive uteri we have! On the other, I feel as though I may be eager to shirk this responsibility after 80 years of finding…everything. (Not that you are 80, mind you. Which I’m sure you probably already knew.)

    You are right though, it does make us look good. :)

  7. Mr. Will says:

    First….your math skills need refreshment. But who’s counting. Second, Grand Kate does not lie! Her SuperPowers are amazing.

  8. Lisa sims says:

    All female household! So many perks

  9. Jess says:

    “Uteri” makes me laugh every time. Nice work, Annie!

  10. I love this post! I have the same problem in my house! Even if the missing object is right in front of his face, even if he has to step over it, and/or reach over it to get to something else, he will never see it. I knew that my uterus was good for something else other than having children!

  11. Mr. Will – Do you mean because I called you guys 80? I know you aren’t 80, silly! Creative license! ;) Or because when I am 80 I won’t have been searching for 80 years because that means I was the Search and Finder even as an infant?

    Either way, I got ya. Listen, I won a math contest in 8th grade. Got this.

    So happy you appreciate her Super Powers! I am sure she appreciates yours, too. :)

  12. Lisa – Haha! Yes, you have many benefits. But get ready to help Uncle Frank find things! ;)

  13. Jess – Thanks. Right? I picture a bunch of cartoon uteri huddled around, drinking wine and gossiping.

    Maybe that’s too stereotypical…how about drinking coffee, eating donuts…and gossiping. ;)

  14. Erin – Yes! I feel good about this post because it does not exclude those women who can not have children or don’t want to have children. I feel as though the existence of a uterus in your body for any period of time has these lasting super power effects. Lucky us.

    At least you only have two that you have to help out! I’m going to keep having kids until I have a girl just so I can have some help finding EVERYTHING ALL DAY.

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