Well, Maybe a Healthy Dose of Fear is Alright After All

I know I was just telling you to ‘Lose the fear, dear.’   But it is time we reinstate it.  At the very least, a healthy dose of Future Fear.

Future Fear is when we see what teenagers are currently doing (i.e. How out of their friggin’ gourds nut job crazy they are acting) and attempt to multiply that in our Parent Brains by the number of years until our precious little ones are teenagers…

And then we keel over.

Thinks to self, *So, if they are shot-gunning 4 beers at age 15 now….by my calculations that means my children are going to be shooting up 9.5 beers by age 12.*

Baby, do you think we could survive financially if, instead of ever getting a paid job, I just home schooled our kids…through college?

Seriously, I am thinking this is a viable option.

Because here is what I came across yesterday: Teens Becoming Intoxicated on Vodka Soaked Tampons.

I know.  I know.

So, you are thinking one of several possible things:

1.  What is wrong with kids these days?!

- I know! Somebody send them all to an island with no drugs, alcohol or firearms, would ya.  They can leave when they turn 25.

2.  Why didn’t I think of that when I was a teenager!

- Probably because you don’t have ‘issues’ and drinking a beer and sneaking a cigarette were enough of a thrill for you.  Congrats.

3.  But you have boys, so you don’t need to worry.

- Read the link.  I just. I. I can’t. I can’t even.

4.  Hell yeah!  I am totally trying this tonight!

- While I certainly want more readers, you, my friend have traveled onto the wrong blog.  I am certain that you can find just the right one for you.  The internet is endless. Start with  Grown-ups Who Never Grew Up. Or simply  AA. Whichever.

All I keep thinking is, “Do teens rebel in Sweden?  Iceland?  Rural Canada?”

In all honesty, I just wish there was somewhere we could move – at least for ages 12 through 18 – where all of the girls didn’t have ‘Juicy’ written on their butts or didn’t start wearing push up bras when they were 4 and where the boys don’t know what a fist fight is.

Basically, this whole Being a Teenager thing is way too scary for a parent as it is.  So, listen up, kids:

WE DON’T NEED YOU STICKING ALCOHOL SOAKED ANYTHING INTO YOUR ANYWHERE!

Because if you keep it up, all parents are just going to keel over out of fear and disbelief and then you will be left running around this country like an enormous version of Lord of Flies.  Yeah, I know, it seems cool at first.  But then who is going to take you to the hospital when you get alcohol poisoning from a tampon or make you chicken and waffles the next morning when you swear you will “Never, ever stick a drunk tampon inside of me again. Ever!  Seriously, this is the last time.  I’m done.”

C’mon.  Who?  Yeah, nobody.

Because they will all be too young to drive and too hungover to stand up.

To be honest, I have no idea where I am even going with this.  I am just kind of blind sided by the stupidity…and the FEAR.

How are we ever supposed to let our kids grow up with stuff like this smirking at us from the horizon?

I, for one, am emailing Elin to see if she will let us camp out at her digs (On an island in Sweden?  Even better!) until we get on our feet and figure out the local real estate.

***Update! (Yes, before I even published the post.) I checked Snopes (Yes, after I wrote the whole post.)  Their conclusion about whether or not this is an actual fad among teenagers today?  Undetermined.  However, they do mention something about a husband, wife, a ‘sherry enema’ and negligent homicide….soooo, I am still going to say I think this whole thing is a terrible idea.  And I am still emailing Elin.

*The teacher in me says “Here’s a link if you want to learn more!” I’m not the author of the article(s)  below, but it’s still decent writing, I guess… I mean, if you like writing that isn’t mine.*

Meredith.  You Put What? Up Where? Curvy Girl Guide.com

Davidson, Lela.  Alcohol: Parents Beware of Tampons Soaked in Vodka. Hubpages.com

Hannah. Vodka Soaked Tampons: Teen Trend or Media Myth? Babble.com

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4 Responses to Well, Maybe a Healthy Dose of Fear is Alright After All

  1. i went through all kinds of facial expressions as i read this. of course i cracked up, then i cringed, then i put my hand over my eyes (uh, yeah, i don’t know why either since i can’t read if my eyes are covered) and then i did a little snort.

    i hope my daughter stays 11 forever. or, if they make the technology to regress her to 7, i’ll take that too.

  2. Julie says:

    1. I question that tampon thing. It”s got to hurt!
    Unless it is a case if no brain, no pain.
    2. You must find positive examples of teenagers and Hold Onto That.
    Provide positive structure every day. There are some great kids out there
    As well as the troubled ones. Don”t despair.

  3. flourish – Oh, geez. 11? That horizon is pretty close for you, huh? If you are ever in NYC and need to forget about your ‘teenager sorrows’ for awhile, let me know!

    That’s funny. I am specifically looking forward to age 7. Somehow it seems like it will be a fun age. Glad to know I am correct in this arbitrary assumption. :)

  4. Julie –
    1. I am absolutely assuming there are no brains involved.

    2. I am trying to remember that. I mean I was a great teenager….

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