It’s Not Me, It’s You

My husband and I are both very passionate people.

This makes for some memorable and romantic moments in our relationship.

We are also both stubborn.  Unfortunately, when that is mixed with ‘passionate,’ you can sometimes have fireworks of another sort.

Our disagreements rarely remain calm and rational.

Even early on in our relationship I learned that it usually isn’t worth it to continue an argument with him.  It never goes anywhere productive.

So, when he would point out the ‘error’ of whichever point I was trying to argue I would finally just say, “Whatever.”

It always broke the tension and made both of us start laughing enough that we weren’t able to continue our argument.

Basically, I am just saying, “I don’t really care what rock solid evidence you show me to prove you are right, I will still think I am right so…let’s just drop this.  Yes, I have now realized I am wrong….so, again, let’s drop this.  But I still refuse to admit I was wrong.”

Whatever.

Well, as many people may know, a sober argument and a toasted argument are two different breeds.

Neither of us usually knows enough to back down or use humor to diffuse an argument that takes place after imbibing spirits.  I guess we aren’t that smart.

Thankfully, once we sober up come to our senses we usually laugh at the previous night’s heated argument about whether sweet potato fries taste better soft or crunchy (the correct answer is both, obviously) or whether Maryland is technically located in The South or not (It is.  That’s what The Mason-Dixen Line is for, darling.).

The other day I woke up, looked at my husband, and was slightly tempted to continue our debate about whether or not it’s rational that I still have a fear of going to the movies in NYC because of bedbugs (No debate. Go ahead and Google images of bedbug bites and tell me you’re willing to risk it.  I don’t think so.)

Instead, I said to him, “You say stupid shit when I’m drunk.”

Even slightly hungover, I knew as soon as the words were out of my mouth that I was a genius.  To be fair, I pretty much always know I am a genius, but this was extra special.  I wrote it down.

I mean, is that not the most ridiculous and yet truthful way of describing most intoxicated tiffs?

Days later, I discovered a list of things I need to do written in crayon on the back of our bank statement…with my genius statement scribbled at the bottom.

I think I have discovered an argument diffuser that’s even better than “whatever”…or at the very least, certainly more clever.

Because here’s the thing: Not all arguments are meant to be rehashed or debriefed.  Some are just stupid.  Because we are all human and sometimes we are stupid.  Especially after a few glasses of bubbly or a tequila shot.

So, I have decided to give you a gift.  It is the kind of gift you still have to pay money for, but it is a gift to you just the same.  This gift was created by Yours Truly especially for YOU.  Because I love you and want you to remain on speaking terms with your best friend or significant other.  I am making it possible for you to smooth over stupid, drunken arguments without ever saying a word.

Just pour your coffee (or hair of the dog Bloody Mary) into this mug (or this one, if you prefer pink) the next morning and all will be well with the world.  And your relationship.

You’re welcome.