Therapy Tuesday…apparently

I have a problem.  A big one.  A BIG one, if you catch my drift.

It’s me.

I am too big.  Chubby, to put it gently.  (I don’t like to be too hard on myself.  More on that later.)

After conducting zero lots of research, I have not been able to conclude the title for my exact issue.  Perhaps there is no name for it.

It’s just that serious.

But I have come up with my own very scientific name for it.  No, seriously.

Reverse Body Dis-morphia

(Not to be confused with RBD.  Just because I married a Mexican doesn’t mean I am obsessed with all things Mexican.  God.  Don’t be a racist.  Alright, so he’s Mexican-American.  Still, racism isn’t cool.  And still, my recently discovered illness is nothing to joke about.)

So here is my self-diagnosed medical issue: I’m really hot.

In my head.

You can see how this would be a problem, I’m sure.

No, Annie, that old man doesn’t want to hold your hand. He was just looking for some change.

The young Jersey Shore-type who asked for directions? He was genuinely lost, dummy.

The married guy who keeps looking over at you and smiling? Oh, wait, he is actually just a scumbag.  But a scumbag who thinks you’re a hottie! Go Annie!

Dammit. His wife was right next to me…smiling back at him.

Living with RBD can be humiliating.  Degrading.

Mostly, it’s just incredible awkward.

Every morning, I wake up, look down at my super skinny toes and think, “Damnnnnnn, Annie!  You still got it!  Have you been working out lately?  Starving yourself?  Xenadrine?  Triathlons?  You should treat yourself and eat whateeeever you want today.”

And then I do.  I eat like a damn trucker all day. (Clearly you can see how upset all of this makes me.  I never cuss on my blog and I have used the horribly offensive ‘damn’ in all it’s glory like 7 times already in this post.)

But without fail.  Without fail. There is a moment in my day where I catch a glimpse of myself in a store window as I pass. Or a bathroom mirror at work.  Or, the worst one, a photo someone just took of me and is showing me briefly in order to get my ‘okay’ on it.

They never do.

Because every time I see an honest image of my current “status,”  I cringe.  I want to cry.  I feel defeated.

Um, do you mind erasing that one.  I don’t look like myself in it.  It’s really not the most flattering angle.  Thanks.

What I really feel like saying is, Oh my God! What happened to me?!  Who is that person?!  Sure, you can use that picture.  Fine.  But do you possibly have $30,000 you could give me so that I can have some full body liposuction done?  Or at least pay my bills so that I can take a month off and hire a personal chef and trainer and focus solely on my weight?  Thanks.  You’re a pal.

Because the image that confronts me in any photo of me in the past few years does not match the image of myself that I see in my mind.

Not even close.

So, I’ve got to stop taking it so easy on myself.  Losing 3 pounds doesn’t mean I can then eat pizza and drink beer.  I still have a loooong way to go before I am back at a healthy weight.  I can’t reward myself for every pound I lose because every ‘reward’ puts 3 pounds back on.

At least I have finally diagnosed my problem.

Now I just need to find the cure…

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8 Responses to Therapy Tuesday…apparently

  1. Thai Phi says:

    Annie, I would argue that the reverse issue you have is a sign of a great self-esteem and is far better than what many people have. None of us will ever be completely comfortable in our body. I’ve learned to accept that. But if you can feel good about yourself for 90 percent of the day, that’s incredible and says something about who you are and what you value. I have days where I struggle all day with how I look, think about everything I put in my mouth and guilt myself for not getting to the gym. It’s not the way life should be lived. So I would applaud you on your RBD.

  2. Okay, first and foremost, you ARE a good lookin’ gal. There’s really no debate about that.

    And second, I hope you don’t roll your eyes when I say…one tiny step at a time. That mantra has worked for me when I was battling “issues” in my life. It’s amazing how making one tiny change each day or even each week begins to add up.

  3. RealMommyChron says:

    Ahhh, Thai Phi, such wisdom! Seriously, you are right. I must have some kick ass self esteem (Thanks, mom and dad!) but it still doesn’t help the REALITY of my current physical situation.
    Did I mention I HAVE to finish losing weight by the end of September when I am in my SIL’s wedding-wearing a size SMALL bridesmaid dress? :/ (I know you love emoticons and !!!!-just trying to make you smile) :D

    Also, YOU are so beautiful and have been SOOO good about all that running! You are looking fabulous!!!!

  4. RealMommyChron says:

    Flourish – Thank you. And thank you, again.

    I’m not rolling my eyes over here. Just grimacing. Because I totally know you’re right. And I HAVE been doing that for the past few weeks. But it kind of feels unbearable sometimes how unequal the work of changing habits is to the results. This is been really hard…and the scale is barely budging. I know, I know, age old problem. But it still stinks.

    Thank you for the advice and encouragement. You’re the best. :)
    (And a hottie yourself, now that we’ve met in person!) :)

  5. Mama Bub says:

    I ALWAYS say that I have Reverse Body Dysmorphia! I pick up what I assume is my size and am SHOCKED when it doesn’t fit! Then I pick up something that looks like it will be huuuuge and lo and behold, it’s perfect. GAH!

  6. mamma mags says:

    HA! so true!!

    i always think i’m so hot too. hahaha! like when i push the stroller on a sunny day and everyone is out looking at me obviously as i walk by. i think, oh, they must think i’m the nanny, looking so young and beautiful! but then the inevitable glance in the window brings me right back to reality with the post baby pooch sticking out, a grayish tinge to my skin due to lack of sleep and frizzy hair that has remained in a pony tail for the last 14 months of motherhood! yikes!

  7. Mama Bub – Exactly! I really do want to change the reality, rather than change the image in my head. I don’t want to give up!

    We can do it! :)

  8. Mamma Mags – (What’s with all these ‘Mama/Mammas’?!? Am I on a mommy site or something?!) ;)

    Now, like Flourish, I have also now met you in person and can say that you looked slim and beautiful to me! But I know we all have our (majority) sweatpant/frizzy hair/pooch days…and I am so there with you that even on those days I forget. I see men and I assume they will look at me with just unbearable, aching desire as I pass.

    And then I catch a reflection in a store window.

    Ouch.

    So happy to hear I am not alone – thank you for sharing so honestly! (and humorously!)

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