Control and Chaos

I keep beating myself up about the fact that I haven’t made this blog a priority.  Whenever someone mentions that they wish I would post more I mentally kick myself for not focusing on this space and building it into what I know it could become if I nurtured it more.  I mean, that is obviously after I mentally question their stability for wanting to read even more of my strange ramblings.  I am always full of excuses when I return here after too long of an absence.  Although they truly aren’t excuses, they are valid reasons.  There are seasons in life and I’m in the trenches of my season of raising young kids.  Anything thrown in my path relating to that takes precedence over…well, anything else.  I have less friends, my husband and I go away together less (‘never’ counts as ‘less’, right?), my hair sees a styling tool about once a month, and this blog is tended to sporadically.  Do I wish I had more time for all of those things?  Of course.  But I know that there will be many seasons in my life where I will have time for those things…and will probably pine for the time when I was too busy making lunches, buying more shoes (WHEN do their feet stop growing?! It’s pure insanity.), and yelling at them to stop drawing on the palms of their hands to pause and straighten my hair.

Still, I am trying to find balance because what are we as women if not masochistic beings always trying to ‘have it all’?  There are two other moms on our street and we are starting a book club.  This kills two birds with one stone, as I will be forced (gladly) to spend time with friends AND (hold onto your hats, guys) read books!  Also, I have managed TWO mani/pedis in the past month.  And my husband and I do manage to hang out every night, which is something until we can figure out how to finagle that elusive weekend away just the two of us.

I’m really trying.

But the writing has found it’s way to the back burner, surrounded by flames of guilt.

(Okay, my descriptions may be a little overzealous when I’ve been away from a keyboard for this long.)

Thankfully (WHY isn’t there a sarcasm font yet?!), life this year has had a way of forcing me back to writing.  It’s the best way for me to process crappy or stressful situations and there have been plenty in 2013.  Cancer, surgery, failed friendships, cancer in people I love, a surgery for Xavi (not blog fodder; it sucked; he’s fine now), packing while pregnant (NEVER again), unpacking while pregnant (NEVER again), and renovating while pregnant (only SATAN would want you to wash dishes in a tiny bathroom sink for two months while subsisting on pizza and bagels).

I have referred to the baby growing inside of me as the light of 2013 many times.  His arrival is the happy moment we have been waiting for.  So when I saw the doctor last Friday and she sent me for an ultrasound later that day at the hospital, I was unnerved to say the least.  We were told after the ultrasound and some monitoring that my amniotic fluid levels were high and that he had moved from head down to breach.   They wanted me to come back on Monday for another ultrasound once I was technically 39 weeks.  To say that this weekend was anxiety-filled would be an understatement.  I just wanted to know if he was okay and what our next steps were.  Instead, we waited.  Okay, and I may have Googled possible causes or results of extra fluid.  Horrible idea.  Medical information really should be banned from Google.

We went for another ultrasound today and as far as the baby’s well-being is concerned, all the news was great.  Somehow my fluid levels are completely normal now and while he is still breach, the position of his neck is less concerning.  However, his position in general and movements basically make a manual version impossible and simply waiting for labor to begin will almost certainly result in a last minute c-section since the chance of him suddenly moving into head down at 39.5 weeks is unlikely.  So, we are scheduled for a c-section delivery this Wednesday.  Baby boy is cutting it close with not being a creepy Halloween baby.  Sorry to all the Halloween babies out there.  But…yeah.

All of this has been more overwhelming than I would have thought.  For the most part, we were just really concerned about the health and safety of this little guy.  But frankly, I am also bummed that after two drug-free births I now have to be totally drugged up and cut open.  Oh, and a tiny bit terrified of that whole cut open thing.  How many times do I need to get sliced, 2013?!

I am totally going to have appendicitis on December 31st if I understand this year’s sense of humor.

This year has done a good job of teaching me that we can’t control everything.  Or even most things.  You can never know what is waiting around the corner, good or bad.  And you can never know how a situation will truly play out, no matter the level of your own preparation or planning.  I know a c-section isn’t the worst thing in the world, but this is almost certainly our final pregnancy and coming at the end of an intense year, I was hoping it would be the peaceful event we had planned.  So, let me just put this loudly and clearly into the universe:  I get it.  This lesson has officially been learned.  I am not in control of what happens in life, only of how I respond. I. Get. It.

Now can you please teach me something a little more fun in 2014, like ‘Sometimes you magically lose weight without trying!’,  ‘You can’t win a contest you don’t enter!’ or even a lesson about the importance of fitting in showers more than twice a week?  I’d just like a break from this whole ‘I’ll cut you’ theme.

For now, we are an excited little group over here, waiting to meet our new son, brother, grandson and nephew.  I’m not sure I’ll have it in me to post right away afterward, but will try to at least put a photo of Facebook.  Although, if I do post, you are in for a real treat.  You think I’m a goofy open book?  Imagine me on pain meds mixed with the high of holding my new baby.  That blog post would BLOW YOUR MIND.

Let me just say that whatever you are into: prayers, vibes, thoughts, energy…we will take any and all of it that Wednesday goes smoothly and that this baby boy is healthy and comes into the world safely.  If you want to throw in there that I see less scalpels in the coming year, that’s cool too.