I just read through my two most recent posts. It was actually pretty difficult to do.
Even though writing has been an excellent way for me to work through confusing events in my life, a way to cope and heal and make my way through murky situations and emotions, this was too much. Dealing with the immediate aftermath of cancer surgery and hormone medication required looking inward in ways that simply needed more silence.
As I wrote in my last post, I needed to hunker down.
I have been putting off reading those posts because I knew it would be hard. They are a *tad bit* erratic combined with a hefty dose of sadness. I would like to believe neither of those descriptions accurately describe the real me at my core. Goofy? Yes. Strange? Depends who you ask. Emotional? If you show me kindness, I cry, sure.
But those posts show a level of instability and confusion that is hard to face.
In the end, I suppose I’m still happy I wrote them because it was how I was feeling at that moment and why take the time to write a blog if you aren’t being honest and real. Why show yourself so nakedly to the whole world if it isn’t even you you’re showing?
The truth is, it took a lot of time to process the events of the past few months. Getting cancer is scary enough. As a young mom, it is even more terrifying to be reminded that you could be gone before you even really got started. And then, after you ‘beat’ cancer, there are more layers that await you. How do you need to change your health habits from now on? What are the chances of this recurring or of having a different type of cancer? What additional treatments are doctors suggesting? Will those treatments ensure that I am cured? Or will they actually lead to more cancer down the road? How the heck do I schedule this many doctors appointments a month?!
And then the layers that I really wasn’t prepared for and perhaps which took the most time to figure out. Admitting to myself that I was disappointed by the reaction, behavior or choices by people I cared about. There were so many people who amazed me in the love and care they showed. But I hadn’t imagined that some would break my heart. There were friendships strengthened, familial bonds bared, but there were also friendships that ended, friendships that changed, family who did not act like family.
I have never been so in awe and grateful. I have never been so disappointed and hurt. I have never seen people and relationships so clearly.
Those are the layers of cancer that I didn’t see coming.
Well, that and weird comments from some about me being lucky to have the ‘good’ cancer. You know who never, ever made comments like that? The people in my life that have had cancer. Even the ones that beat stage four cancers. They understand that no matter the stage or type or treatment, if you survive cancer, your life will be turned upside down. It changes you and I see now that you have to go through it to understand that.
So here I am. I am ready to get back to learning, growing, sharing and laughing. Or in other words: writing.
Plus, you guys have missed out on at least seven stories of me putting my foot in my mouth, ten about me falling and 50 concerning Xavi’s ability to sneak off and empty things that shouldn’t be emptied, as well as several fascinating ‘mommy politics insanity’ scenarios. And recipes! I am working with a thyroid nutritionist and have some seriously delicious recipes that are gluten, soy, dairy, egg and corn free.
Of course, if you follow me on Instagram or Facebook (And if you don’t, what’s wrong with you? There are GIANT buttons up top that tell you to do so. You aren’t very obedient, are you?) you know that I totally had Oreo whipped cream cake last night*. Nobody’s perfect, especially me. But that’s why you’re here, isn’t it?
Thanks for hanging in there with me and joining me in my saddle.
(See? I’ve moved from a bland “The end” to an awkward sign-off that takes a few minutes to get. By the next post I’ll be back to zingy, one-liner, clean as a whistle closers.)
*In my defense, it was my birthday. So I ate exactly 32 slices bites of that delicious cake and didn’t feel guilty one bit.