How D’ya Do, Wackadoo?

From Kalamazoo.

I was about to erase all of that.  Or at least the part about Kalamazoo.  But then I realized it actually works perfectly to demonstrate what it is I came here to talk about.

If you have seen me in person since October, you may have noticed that my phone screen resembles the heels of a professional ballerina.  Cracks spreading out in webs across the whole screen.  Shards held together solely by the thin screen cover my husband lovingly applied as tightly as possible, risking bloody, shard-y fingers in the process, in order to hold me until the fee to replace a screen drops below $230.

Cuz, yeah.  That’s 5 visits to my Endo or surgeon.  Or 2 full sessions of basketball.  Or half of our monthly grocery bill.  Or, frankly, 10 bottles of Jim Beam.

We will not be handing over $230 to Apple right now.  I think they have enough of our money.

So, I have been squinting at photos to see if Xavi is smiling or frowning and unable to properly edit since I can’t tell if I typed an n or an m since October.

Now you know why I texted you, “Mewwy Chrustmas!”

My husband just gchatted me (It’s 2013.  I’m pretty sure that’s a verb by now.) to tell me that his phone screen stopped working today.

Oh, babe, we are a hot mess.

You see, it isn’t just our broken phones, we are truly a hot, hot mess all around.

Which brings me to our next corner of failure at the moment: roundness.  We are both suffering from it.  Me more than him to be sure. (Damn males and their natural tendency to not add padding to their bums! {shakes fist at nearest male})  We are simply not at our healthiest.  And frankly, I feel that at age 31 we actually should be at our peak of health.

Our wallets, on the other hand, are leaner than they should be.  I was brought up to never discuss money and my husband is the worlds most private man, which obviously includes finances, but I am just saying that we aren’t making it rain simply because it’s Tuesday and we feel like it.   We have to keep it to Saturdays.  (Ki-dding.  Like I would denigrate women that way.) (Ki-dding.  Like I would stand next to a petite naked woman in front of my husband right now.) (Okay, hopefully  you understand everything from ‘making it rain’ until now has been a big joke.  Also, no more parenthesis for Annie.)    In any event, all I really mean is that this was supposed to be a year of saving and somehow it turned into one of our most expensive years yet.  A nice little Thyroidectomy/Neck Dissection combo does not really help this cause.

The truth is that the past several months have been challenging.  So much of my attention, time and energy was focused on doctor’s appointments, stress, waiting and now recovery, that too many things fell to the wayside.   Anything else I was accomplishing was likely done in a state of distraction.  Fear has a way of sitting right up front in your brain and smirking at all of the other thoughts and tasks and emotions trying to come up and speak to the driver.

But now it is time to move on.  Sure, I still have some recovery time ahead of me.  Yes, I have a lifetime of monitoring and adjusting my meds to normal levels.  More importantly, I need to learn specific techniques to deal with the unique trials and tribulations that accompany a body with no thyroid.  But, the cancer is gone.  I need to release the fear, shake myself out of semi-paralysis and start participating in all aspects of my life with clarity, energy and a sense of presence.

Time to come back to Earth.

I am saying this as though I have been processing and accepting this for awhile now, but it is truly something I only fully realized in the past seven minutes or so.   I told you writing is cathartic.

You see, the past two days have actually perhaps been the height of my lofty, crazed existence.   There was a good week of fuzziness after surgery, until I was shaken awake by news that they were able to remove all of the cancer from my body during surgery.  That was a high like I haven’t had in a long while.  I cried.  I called family.  I texted everyone I know.  My 6th grade science teacher was probably surprised to hear from me.  I couldn’t stop smiling.

After three days of euphoria, I had a sad day.  I don’t know why, but there it was.  Plopped down on top of me.

For two days after that, leading up to today, I have been doing my best to get up and help out when I feel up to it so that I am not in shock when it’s totally up to me again.  But for the past couple days my time in bed has been spent cruising the internet with no real sense of direction.

I mentioned buying throw pillows for our bed, which is mostly okay since I mostly used an old gift card.  But then Pinterest swallowed me whole again.  I found myself pinning fatty, gooey, drippy foods that I know I shouldn’t – and probably won’t – ever make.  It was still comforting somehow?  And I still gained a pound afterward.  No joke.  I got sidetracked with Make-Your-Own! Soy Candles and almost dropped $58 on soy wax flakes before I remembered we don’t even have room to store our toaster in this apartment, let alone a giant box of soy wax flakes.  And that most of my friends would look at me sideways if I gave them a homemade candle for their next birthday.  Oh, yeah, and that we are supposed to be on a budget.  By we, I clearly mean I in this case.  After the candles I somehow discovered Jelly Shots – apparently Jello Shots classier aunt.   On a side note – I have a feeling ‘jelly’ desserts are going to be to 2013 what cake pops were to 2010.  I’m calling it now.  Feel free to buy me an elegant jelly shot next December when you realize I was right. In any event, I guess I used up my limited amounts of common sense and self-control with the wax flakes because I did find myself buying boxes of clear gelatin and adorable molds.  I have to have these Cucumber Lime Margaritas and these Watermelon Basil Martinis, along with basically every other thing from the Jelly Shot Test Kitchen.  Of course, once I was looking at adorable molds, I started seeing some that would be perfect for Valentine’s Day.  I know!  I will jump back into parenting by trying a craft slash cooking project with the boys that I have never before attempted!  That seems wicked smaht!  Yes, I purchased additional molds for chocolate lollipops to make with the boys for Valentine’s Day.  And then I had to buy the chocolate candy melts, since, you know, I don’t have any since, you know, I have never done this before.  Of course, I realized that I needed lollipop sticks. Oh! And small cellophane bags to put around each lollipop so we can hand them out.

You guys, I was the mouse and I think those throw pillows were my cookie.   For any non-parents reading this – and your numbers are actually quite surprising, by the way.  Thanks for being here! – ask a niece or nephew what happens when you give a mouse a cookie…

On the bright side, I easily surpassed the $25 minimum necessary for free shipping!  Oh, wait, that’s right – we have Amazon Prime.   Hmm…well, then, on the bright side:   Jelly shots! Candy heart lollipops!  Wheeeeee!

After ‘repinning,’ ‘liking’ and purchasing just about everything unhealthy I could  find on the entire world wide web – yup, no stone unturned – what do you think I did today?

Oh, spent at least two hours reading Paleo blogs.  Nodding as I read, in the way you do right before you are completely converted to any new concept.   Analyzing recipes, running through grocery lists in my head.  Why, you ask?  Because crazy is as crazy does, I suppose.

And this is my point.

I feel like I am wildly sprinting from one point to the next, looking around and then darting over to another equally indulgent or extreme location.   And I’m not sure my husband is far behind.

Things have taken their toll on us far more than we realized.

But it is time to get ourselves in check.  For him, that means a yoga plan with daily guidelines so that he sticks to it.  And trying to eat clean for at least the next 108 days.  Including no alcohol.  We shall see how long Jim sits on the shelf, twiddling his lonesome thumbs…

Actually, my husband’s will power is much stronger than mine, so I bet Jimmy will have a nice layer of dust before his next encounter with an ice cube.

Me?

I hate writing the word ‘sigh,’ but honestly, I just sighed.

Last year I tried no less than five cleanses, eating plans, programs and philosophies.  I am not saying the word diet because each one professed to not being a diet.   A year later, I weigh exactly what I did last January.  Kind of makes me want to give up and wallow in a big bowl of chocolate pudding.  Like, literally inside of a human-sized bowl of chocolate pudding.

I think I need to start smaller.  Focus on holding myself accountable by recording what I eat and specifically not following anyone else’s plan. By this point, I know what foods are clean, what foods I should stay away from, and that my portions should probably be cut in half.  I just need to find ways to hold myself accountable and reward myself when I reach milestones.  As far as exercise is concerned, I will try to join my husband as many mornings as I can muster even though anyone who knows me knows that I have always despised yoga.  I think my body and mind’s current need for it outweigh my distaste.   And I may do Couchto5K with a neighbor/mommy friend of mine since we can easily watch each others toddler while the other one runs.  And hold each other accountable.   Clearly, a necessary aspect for me.

Somehow I have a feeling that refocusing ourselves health-wise will help alleviate many of the other smaller issues that are out of whack.   Except the phones, I guess.  Those will require separate solutions, but maybe clear minds and energized bodies will allow us to handle them quickly once we are ready.

Or maybe an Apple employee will stumble across this post and offer us each new, fully functioning  iPhone.  Stranger things have happened, right?

In the meantime, if you live nearby, be ready for some trial chocolate lollipops headed your way that will probably be heart-ish shaped.   Just be thankful you won’t be getting a small soy candle for your next birthday.