I do not love my friends.
I do not think kids with cancer are beautiful.
I do not recognize any movies from my youth.
I do not want that man to get the transplant he needs to live.
I do not wish we had a cure for…well, anything life-threatening.
Basically, I am the worst human being ever.
Or so says Facebook, anyway.
Listen, as you may know, I LOVE the Facebook. I love telling friends and family and readers how I’m feeling, what my kids are up to, how we are spending our days. If I stubbed my toe. And yes, even what or where I am eating sometimes. (Although you’d die if you knew how much restraint I actually use in that arena. Laughable only because I know I still share about food A LOT.)
I also love reading all about friends, family, readers and old classmates or neighbors. Do you ever wonder if anyone has actually taken the time to scroll through all 213 “Photos of You’? Yes, they have. It’s me. I usually give myself away when I can’t help but comment on a photo from two years ago of your adorable puppy or sunglasses-wearing toddler. But I promise, I am not a stalker. Or SWF. Or into you.
I just truly find people interesting.
One of my majors in college was Cultural Anthropology. I figure that now that I have a degree in studying people and cultures everyone has to stop simply calling me ‘nosy.’ I am a cultural anthropologist, guys. It’s way more dignified and official than that.
Communication is also an area where I excel and show great interest. There is no denying my need to talk, listen and share. To begin with, I have a blog. Classic sign of a communicator. But if you know me in real life, you know that I ‘communicate’ just as much in spoken words as I do written.
So, yeah, Facebook is right up my alley. As are Instagram, Twitter and even Pinterest.
I know there are lots of people who find Facebook – and just about anything anyone does on there – annoying. To them, I say: For the life of me, I can’t figure out why you have a Facebook account. I don’t like feeling pain so I do my best not to punch myself. These things seem like basic common sense to me.
No, I am not one of those people who is trying to find issues with Facebook. I see it for what it is and enjoy it and participate accordingly.
But suddenly I am made to feel horrible about myself at every turn as soon as I sign on. Click ‘Like’ if you love your mother! If you hate cancer! If you think bullying needs to stop! If you don’t want this baby to die! If you think murderers are bad!
I have yet to click ‘Like’ on any of these posts. Let alone within the three second time limit.
I do love you, mom. Even if I didn’t click ‘Like’ as Facebook told me to do. (Because we all know clicking ‘Like’ on a Facebook post is equal to calling your mom on her birthday and remembering her favorite type of flowers when it comes to showing love, right? Of course!). And sir, I hope you still got your transplant despite only receiving 34,999 ‘Likes’ and missing my 35,000 click of approval.
I’m feeling some guilt.
Okay, lies, not so much guilt…since all of these “Click ‘Like’ if you…” posts are THE MOST RIDICULOUS THINGS EVER.
Sorry. I didn’t mean to raise my voice.
But seriously, can we stop this silliness, guys? I think MySpace is still technically on life support somewhere out on the internets if you can’t help but post stuff like this. I am sure they would be more than happy to have you (back).
Let’s leave Facebook for the classy, important updates like “LNO! Watch out, tequila!” and all of our painted toes in front of any formation of warm water, okay?