If you ever find yourself suffering from a writer’s block, simply take a stroll through Park Slope. I can 100% guarantee you will see at least one thing, incident or fruitcake mama* that will get your juices flowing.
The other weekend, I threw the kids and a 2 hour supply of fruit snacks at my husband and sped off to fit in a kickboxing class at the Y. I somehow managed to find parking within 10 minutes (my personal Park Slope parking record!) and raced inside.
Just to be told class had been cancelled at the last minute. Boo hiss
But there was a Zumba class in an hour and if I waited 30 minutes I could get in line to get a ticket!
Really?!?! Yeah, no thanks.
As I stormed back to my car in a giant cloud of pout I noticed something:
At first I thought it was someone’s sign about a missing dress. Which, granted, would be odd but not entirely out of the question. Because where are we folks??? Park Slope! Where anything is possible!
But no, as I looked closer I realized it was even better:
Yes, it is a letter to the tree explaining that now that Spring has sprung it is time to take off the old winter outfits and break out some bouncy florals! (Whaaaa…you mean there were winter outfits tied to these trees and I missed them?! No fair.)
But wait! There were more!
First of all, if you are going to be a treehugger to this degree, (I mean, practically literally, right?) I think it is only respectful to give the tree a name. I don’t care if you go human-y with Eloise or Kim or tree-y with Leafy or Greenalicious, but something. You wouldn’t want the tree responding with, “Thanks, girl!” would you? Well, unless it’s a sassy tree, I guess.
Also, that better be pleather, girl!
And here is my personal favorite:
Of course. Of course the one from a guy has the poor tree half nekkid. And, Ed? Bowler hat? Bra disguised as shirt? Doc Martins? Pick a look, man! Or is this the porn of Park Slope, the way Williamsburg-ites get off on Suicide Girls?
In any event, I would also like to address the fact that ALL of you just ASSUMED that these trees are girls. Sexist much? As soon as I have some free time I am totally going to laminate a photo of khaki shorts and a polo for this tree’s neighbor tree. (Yes, AND I am going to make him preppy! Just to really piss you off! Bwahahaha )
Or maybe I am the Tree Genderist one for assuming the dresses mean you think the trees are girls.
Shoot. You’ve got me all befuddled and caught in an existential gender/tree wardrobe spiderweb.
Damn you, Park slope, dammmmnnnnn you!
But seriously, I can’t wait to see what these leafy ladies get to wear beginning on the Summer Solstice…
*It is quite possible the fruitcake mama you see might be me.